07 November 2011

The Statue of Liberty is Kaput!

The Space Monkey has been harassing me for "copying her posts" lately. I would point out two things. First, three of my posts were related to my hospital stay. You don't get to claim copyright on my ill health!

Even if you caused it.

The second thing I would point out is that three of her most recent posts were about crushing me for all to see. Complaining about me responding to her allegations is like the prosecution whining that the defense has a case.

So there.

It does not truly concern me that all of our Facebook friends have taken her side since I'm not entirely convinced any of them even read my posts and, as far as I can tell, I have no male readers. It's okay.

Today she has taken aim at my enjoyment of sports. Once again, her case lacks perspective. Let us begin with the hierarchy of sports I gave her before we married:
  1. Hockey (New Jersey Devils)
  2. Pro Football (Dallas Cowboys)
  3. Baseball (New York Yankees)
  4. Eh.
These standings have not changed. 

I have been a New Jersey Devils fan since I was 13 years old. It may reflect on my inner sports hipster that hockey is my favorite sport even though I am actually a naturally born US citizen. Nevertheless, the worst sports-related moods she's likely to encounter me in come after Devils' losses (which have been too frequent the past year and change).

There's a dirty little secret she won't tell you though: I'm not allowed to say I care about the Devils as much as she and her family care about UK.

Even though it's true.
As to little girls who root for the wrong team on the wrong night, I regret nothing. I tend to root for the Capitals to come in second only to the Devils because they play exciting hockey these days.

But I'm not above spoiling childhood delusions.

It's what I do. (Penny Arcade)
On the Cowboys, the truth she always ignores is that she was raised to be a Washington fan. When I began to watch/understand football, my brother was my best friend. He grew up watching the Tom Landry/Roger Staubach Cowboys and liked them. So I went with my brother's team.

And I have not changed.

Nor would I ever consider cheering for a team whose name is a racial slur.

On the living room colors, she picked red and gold. I grabbed the color Stuart Gold from our local Ace Hardware. She decided she wanted a red accent wall and though she denies choosing the shade, the shade she specifically requested was one to match the carpet she had brought to the house.

So I brought a bunch of paint chips home and had a female friend compare the chips to the carpet. She chose the color Cottage Red as being the closest. That is the color I painted our accent wall, not burgundy.

Nevertheless, every hater who comes into our house decides to chip away at my soul by commenting on the walls being Washington [Racial Slur]s colors.

This house is not a home.

As to the Yankees, there's no disagreement between us there. Baseball just is not my favorite spectator sport. To quote the Elder Sloth (pronounced 'slōth' in this case), "Never has one sport crammed so little action into so much time."

Most of my Yankees fandom these days comes from the friendly banter with our local Red Sox fan (because taunting an Orioles' fan is like stealing a little kids' wheelchair) friend and being told not to do the same to my relations.

Now that 'Eh' category is a fairly large category. To wit: I will watch FC Barcelona or US Soccer whenever I can. But I don't always watch soccer (more on soccer in a few). I will occasionally watch college basketball or football if there isn't any knitting I could be doing instead.

In other words, the stuff that falls into that latter category is not that serious. If Barça loses, well that was surprising. If US Soccer loses, that's sad. I disdain college football, and college basketball is a special situation.

The 2010 World Cup was lamentable to the entire hearing world, but vuvuzelas have been banned from the 2014 World Cup, all UEFA competitions, and were not present at the 2011 Women's World Cup. Without the vuvuzelas, you're left with fans chanting and singing, not unlike a good college sporting event.

Which means her real problem is she doesn't like Spanish people or the United States.

As I said, I disdain college football. The reason for this is that I dain objectivity, something that college football and its fans reject. This also causes me to reject the conference system because it is the scaffolding upon which this monstrosity is built.

Nevertheless, I agreed to root for UK when we got married. I have never gone away from that. I have, however, and will continue to oppose rooting for the SEC (which does not mean rooting against UK and don't even argue with me because I really don't care what you think) on principle.

The wife will, undoubtedly, bring up that she was shocked to learn after we got married that I rooted for Syracuse whenever their highlights were on SportsCenter. If she tells you this, she lies because this game took place in 2009.

She will also tell you that I'm an ACC fan. This is not true even though Syracuse has moved to the ACC, but she accused me of this in 2008 on the basis of living in the Democratic People's Republic of Maryland (even though I grew up in Big East country....).

Not actually in the ACC...yet.
As to her commentary on my watching sports all the time and listening to sports all the time. I don't watch SportsCenter unless I want to see highlights of a game I missed (does not happen often). I watch Around the Horn and Pardon the Interruption while I cook food for her, yet she begrudges me this.

All I ever did was love her.

And if you listen to the Tony Kornheiser Show you will find, as I have found, that the great thing about the show is that it is not actually a sports show. It's more about him arguing and ranting about whatever he feels like.

In short, it reminds me of my childhood. 

No, really, watch Pardon the Interruption and then come with me to New Jersey to a family gathering. It's exactly the same.

The alternative is listening to music that she hates or music that I hate. Neither of these is appealing to me. Political media is banned from my house but for one night every two years or the occasional killing of the most wanted terrorist in the world. This eliminates NPR as well, which is her version of the Tony Kornheiser Show. It also leaves us with not a lot of television watching choices, and if I'm watching sports, she has the laptop.

Lastly, her story about the movie on Lifetime Movie Network is incorrect. It was Monday night 25 April, 4 days before the Royal Wedding, not a Saturday.

And she's a monster.

Forcing someone to watch this violates U.N. conventions.
Postscript: For those of you who are not named Shannon, the title of today's post is one of my favorite quotes from Saving Private Ryan: "The Statue of Liberty is kaput? Well that's disheartening." I chose it over "And the Easter Bunny's dead" because I already had a picture for the latter. 

I am a Yankees' fan and therefore love America.

And the Statue of Liberty is in New Jersey waters.



  1. I never said you couldn't like the Devils as much as I like UK.


    Luckily, any of MY readers who wander over here will see that you took my whole post out of context, thereby proving my point.... Irrational. ;)

  2. I refuse to admit that I (may) have chuckled reading every. single. one. of. your. posts.

    It didn't happen.