Halftime Entertainment

As the crowds gathered and the 4th seal was peeled away, something inexplicable happened in Indianapolis tonight: Madonna performed the halftime show.

I will confess that the late January football game halftime show stopped being relevant to me after 1993's performance by Michael Jackson. It became much more irrelevant after Janet Jackson desecrated American eyes with what appeared to be Michael Jackson's face under her shirt. That singular act sent us into halftime show oblivion as the No Fun League trotted out acts old enough sometimes I felt my parents would have to ask their parents for information.

Last year, as the league scoured whatever flea market they find used performers at, they somehow managed to find a band from the aughts that had already managed to become irrelevant.

Apparently Nickelback was unavailable.

Then tonight, in a move that defied all logic, they trotted out Madonna.

Lest someone desire to debunk my argument by saying that she has somehow been relevant in the past decade and a half, I give you exhibit A: they consistently used "Vogue" to advertise the halftime show tonight. That song was released in March 1990. Exhibit B: I'm told she performed it too.

Lest others should bring up that they trotted out C-lo Green and Nicki Minaj as well, I ask: who?

In desperate times like these, we need a hero. We need a man of the people.

We need MC Hammer for the 2013 halftime show.

MC Hammer: To restore dignity to entertainment (Fanpix)

I know what you might be thinking: Madonna's at least more relevant than MC Hammer. To which I say, Madonna has not given us enduring internet memes like Hammer has.

Hammer don't hurt those vandals (Wikipedia)

To sweeten things, he shall be joined by Cyndi Lauper. No, not the Cyndi Lauper of "True Colors" fame. I want the Cyndi Lauper of "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" fame. And the Bangles with her, as the 80's stars close the show leading New Orleans in the world's largest ensemble performance of "Walk Like an Egyptian" to the thrill of all.

And Vanilla Ice for the National Anthem (Boise Weekly)

I don't often do this, but if you, like me, think we need to restore dignity to the halftime show, share this with others.

Keep hope alive!